One of our members drew attention to a clever comparison of God’s offer in the gospel to a manufacturer issuing a recall notice. It struck me as Arminian in orientation. So, I thought it would be fun to come up with a Calvinist version and present the two for comparison. Please keep in mind that this is satirical and not to be taken too seriously, though there are serious points underlying the satire. Ok, here we go!
The Arminian Recall Notice
The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed “Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality,” or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.
The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers’ Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!
– GOD
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by “Knee mail”.
The Calvinist Recall Notice
The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a planned malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed “Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality,” or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who planned and intentionally saw to the occurrence of this defect yet is somehow neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect for only a few arbitrarily selected units. But this arbitrary selection is not really arbitrary from a certain point of view because the Manufacturer is leaving most units to malfunction so that his graciousness in fixing the few chosen units will be most clearly seen, and the chosen units will be so much more thankful they were chosen while most others were condemned to the incinerator.
The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs for the select few. There is no additional fee required for them. For the great majority of units, however, no provision has been made and the cost is too great for them to bear themselves. Therefore, they will need to be sent to the incinerator. The interesting thing about this recall offer is that it is presented to all units. But the Manufacturer will activate a special protocol in the chosen units that will irresistibly cause them to respond to the recall offer while all other units will naturally reject the recall offer as planned by the Manufacturer.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers’ Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. However, remember that the Manufacturer has already irresistibly predetermined which units will submit themselves for correction and which will continue to operate without correction. For free emergency service, call on Jesus. But again, remember that you will only call for emergency service if the Manufacturer has pre-programmed you to do so.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. (Of course, the Manufacturer has already predetermined which units will respond and which will not. No unit will be able to avoid doing what the Manufacturer has predetermined for it to do apart from any consideration having to do with the unit itself.) The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!
– GOD
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice. But remember, the Manufacturer has already decided which units will accept the recall offer and which will reject it. You may contact the Father any time by “Knee mail”, though nothing you say to him will ever influence what he decides to do about anything.
