On his website, Arminian Perspectives, Ben Henshaw has a questions page at which he answers questions about Arminianism and Calvinism that visitors to his site pose in the comment section of the page. Here is a question (edited slightly for clarity) from a man named Ben followed by Ben Henshaw’s answer:
Question: I first experienced the conviction (of what I believe was the Holy Spirit) at nine and asked the Lord to come into my heart, and was baptized. I never grew in faith or wisdom or righteousness, and when I was fifteen, after reading strange philosophy, I prayed/thought to myself something of the nature that “I willingly reject Christ/Christianity, not salvation” or something like that. I’m not even sure if I included the last two words or not. I was immediately sorry and prayed to the Lord to forgive me, knowing that I didn’t really want that, and was deeply grieved. I thought about it a lot, prayed about it a lot, and could not stop sinning as I got older, falling into extremes of sexual immorality, cursing, etc.
I still believed I was saved, but lacked assurance and questioned a great deal. In college, I got in with a group of Christian guys and debated theology. I was Arminian, some were Calvinist, and we all had a good time debating, but I became convinced that a genuine believer could not have been living the way I had (I came to the Lordship-Salvation position). Eventually, I realized I hated a Christian brother, and that I could not possibly have been saved. A deep fear fell on me; I was convinced I was going to Hell (well deservedly), and for days (literally) I confessed and begged the Lord to save me. Just before I offed myself (5 minutes or so before), it seemed to me that He had heard me and done so.
There has been a definite change of lifestyle (I wanted to stop those sins before but couldn’t – It’s been relatively easy to let go of them since), but I am still worried by a few things: 1) my apparent, willing apostasy at 15 (Hebrews 6, Heb. 10:26-27), 2) the fact I sometimes wrestle with assurance, which – when I’m losing the battle – makes me fearful (1 John 4:18) 3) Matthew 7:22 (see point 2). 4) I don’t love as much as I want to (sends me back to 2). Did I commit unpardonable apostasy and am deluding myself now to think Christ will save me? If I am sometimes exceedingly fearful that my faith is not saving faith, does that imply that it is not? (It’s not that I doubt Christ is Who and What He claimed, but essentially, after walking in darkness so long, I do not trust my heart – particularly given Matt 7:22.) I truly desire nothing more than to spend eternity worshiping Christ and to walk in perfect obedience (not possible, but desired) here, but I am perplexed by my peculiar situation and am almost afraid of accepting assurance because of the way I was before, both assured and wicked. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry about the post length. Christ Bless and Keep You.
Answer: You wrote, There has been a definite change of lifestyle (I wanted to stop those sins before but couldn’t – It’s been relatively easy to let go of them since), but I am still worried by a few things: 1) my apparent, willing apostasy at 15 (Hebrews 6, Heb. 10:26-27)
I don’t think the apostasy you committed is consistent with that being described in those passages. For further discussion, please take a look at the following posts:
https://arminianperspectives.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/does-scripture-describe-two-types-of-apostasy/
Let me know if you still have questions.
2) the fact I sometimes wrestle with assurance, which – when I’m losing the battle – makes me fearful (1 John 4:18) 3) Matthew 7:22 (see point 2). 4) I don’t love as much as I want to (sends me back to 2). Did I commit unpardonable apostasy and am deluding myself now to think Christ will save me?
Not at all. Jesus said He would not cast out those who come to Him (John 6). If you had committed apostasy as described in Hebrews 6 and 10, you would have no desire to return to Christ (see posts linked to above).
If I am sometimes exceedingly fearful that my faith is not saving faith, does that imply that it is not? (It’s not that I doubt Christ is Who and What He claimed, but essentially, after walking in darkness so long, I do not trust my heart – particularly given Matt 7:22.)
If you are trusting in Christ to save you and are not pleased with your sin, then you gave solid grounds for assurance. Christians struggle against sin and often lose, but that is different from apostasy, which gives up the battle and has no desire to stop sinning or maintain a relationship with Christ.
I truly desire nothing more than to spend eternity worshiping Christ and to walk in perfect obedience (not possible, but desired) here, but I am perplexed by my peculiar situation and am almost afraid of accepting assurance because of the way I was before, both assured and wicked. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry about the post length. Christ Bless and Keep You.
Your desire to walk in obedience and the contrast you present (before, compared to now) should help you see that you have solid grounds for assurance.
