Introducing the New Calvinist Bible (satire)

, posted by kingswoodhart

The following post is a satire, written from the perspective of an overzealous Calvinist.

Although Calvinism enjoys much support within evangelical Christianity, there are unfortunately still those who have doubts about certain aspects of it. Calvinism is traditionally summarized with the acronym TULIP – Total depravity, Unconditional election, Limited atonement, Irresistible grace and Perseverance of the Saints. While the doctrine of total depravity is endorsed by most evangelical Christians, the main point of contention is with the three central doctrines of Calvinism – the U, the L and the I. The P is less fundamental to the debate –  outside of Calvinism some accept and others deny the P, and so this doctrine will not be discussed further at present.

It is felt that, although the U, the L and the I of Calvinism are inherently biblical, many Christians somehow seem to miss these when they read their bibles. What is needed is a new bible translation that emphasizes these doctrines more clearly, so that all of God’s elect people can come to know the wonders of Calvinism for themselves. The New Calvinist Bible (NCB) seeks to give the most emphatically biblical presentation of Calvinism that has ever been seen, by amplifying the translation so that the majesty of Calvinism shines all the more brightly through the text. This has been applied both to key verses that opponents of Calvinism use to try to refute it, as well as to key verses most often used by Calvinists to show that Calvinism is true – both have been made to give greater light to this most foundational truth.

A series of posts will follow that give previews of some of the most important revisions in the NCB. After a summary of verses that particularly address each of the U, the L and the I of TULIP, further posts will contain samples from other key passages of the Bible, including Romans and John.

For now, I hope the following two extracts will whet your appetite for what is to follow. What better place to start than these two wonderful proclamations of the gospel and God’s love, now proclaiming Calvinism louder and clearer than ever:

John 3:16-18 For God so loved the world elect, that he gave his only Son, that whoever was arbitrarily chosen by God to believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world non-elect – they had been condemned already, but in order that the world elect might would definitely be saved through their prior election, as evidenced by their irresistibly caused faith in him. Whoever believes in him was arbitrarily chosen for salvation is not condemned, but whoever does not believe was arbitrarily chosen for eternal damnation is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God been condemned to this since before the world began.

1 John 4:14-16 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world elect. Whoever God irresistibly causes to confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us the elect. God is love provided that you happen to have been individually elected, otherwise God is punishment, and whoever God irresistibly causes to abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

This was originally posted at The Predestination Station, where comments can be made.

Unless otherwise indicated, all pre-Calvinization scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. This content was produced without any involvement or endorsement of these entities.