A CALVINIST DAD HAS “THE TALK”
DAD: Kids, Daddy wants to talk to you about God’s glory.
KIDS: OK.
DAD: You know God is glorified in all things, right?
KIDS: Um, yeah.
DAD: Everything glorifies God. God gets glory from everything and everyone. The good and the bad.
KID 1: That means you.
KID 2: No, that’s you.
DAD: Hey, settle down. You’re both wicked little sinners, OK? God-haters, and…Look, you know about Jesus, right?
KIDS: Yeah. Jesus loves us!
DAD: Well, um, now that’s…that’s what Daddy wants to talk to you about. Pay attention, OK? The truth is, Jesus doesn’t really love every little boy and girl.
KIDS: What?
KID 1: Told you He didn’t love you.
KID 2: No, He doesn’t love you. DAD!!! Tell her that Jesus loves me.
DAD: Well, now, Daddy would really like to tell you both that Jesus loves you. Really, but it’s just…
KIDS: Jesus doesn’t love us?
DAD: Now, that’s not what I said.
KID 1: What do you mean?
KID 2: Yeah, whaddya mean Daddy?
DAD: I mean, it’s possible Jesus loves you. Really! The both of you. Or, you know…one. Of you. You understand??
KID1: And maybe neither of us?
KID2: Are you saying Jesus hates us?
DAD: No, I didn’t say that. No one knows who the elect are. I just mean, well, just that He might not have chosen you for…
KIDS: For what, Daddy?
DAD: Chosen you to be with Him in heaven.
KIDS: Dad, you’re not making any sense.
DAD: Kids, you remember the story of “Jacob and Esau”, right?
KIDS: Who?
DAD: Jacob. Esau. “Jacob I loved” and Esau. “Esau I hated”. Remember? God hated Esau.
KID 2: Our Sunday school teacher said that was a ‘humorism.’
KID 1: “Euphemism” you dummy.
KID 2: You’re the dummy! Dad, tell her she’s the dummy!
DAD: No, listen to me. Your teacher is wrong. Jesus really hated Esau, even long before he was born. He didn’t want Esau to be with Him in heaven. He hated Esau.
KiDS: What?
DAD: He decided to hate Esau without any condition to hate him. He hated him solely for His pleasure.
KID1: WHAT???
KID2: Oh! Can I hate my sister for my good pleasure?
DAD: No! You certainly may not! We’re talking about God here. Remember what Daddy said earlier about God always being glorified? Good people and bad people glorify Him, remember? You want God to be glorified, right? Well, now Esau, he glorified Jesus by being sent to Hell because it glorified God.
KID 1: You said ‘Hell”.
KID 2: Dad, she said “Hell”.
DAD: It’s not a bad word, honey. Yes, Hell. Jesus wanted Esau in Hell before Esau was born.
KID 2: Does this mean Jesus doesn’t love me? Daddy, you got the story wrong.
KID 1: Yeah, Daddy, you got the story wrong. I remember. Esau wasn’t chosen to go to Hell, Daddy. Esau just wasn’t chosen to receive his Daddy’s blessing. “Two nations are in your womb and…”
DAD: Don’t quote the Bible if you don’t know what you’re talking about. In the apostolic interpretation, it’s not about nations! It’s about Hell and God being glorified!
KiDS: You’re yelling.
DAD: Listen! What Daddy’s trying to tell you is that you could each be just like Esau. Maybe.
KIDS: Daddy, are you saying Jesus may have hated us before we were ever born?
DAD: Yes.
KIDS: That’s crazy.
DAD: It’s not crazy, OK? You just don’t understand. You haven’t even read Piper!
KIDS: Who’s that?
DAD: Nevermind. The important thing is, Daddy wanted to tell you the truth that Jesus may or may not love you. He may have simply chosen to hate you from before the foundation of the world and you may end up in Hell for all eternity, and there’s nothing you or I or your mother can do about that. OK? I’m sorry, but you’re old enough to know the truth.
KIDS: But you and mommy love us, right?
DAD: Of course! How could you ask such a thing? Of course we love you! We’re not monsters.
WIFE: You must really like sleeping on the couch.
[This was originally posted in a Facebook group, and has been posted with permission.]
