Greg Boyd: It’s a possibility that the chicken crossed the road.
Rick Warren: The chicken was purpose driven.
Mark Driscoll: The chicken crossed because of the rooster’s leadership.
Rachel Held Evans: We’re talking about chickens here, not pigs.
Pelagius: Because the chicken was able to.
John Piper: God decreed the event to maximize his glory.
Irenaeus: The glory of God is the chicken fully alive.
C.S. Lewis: If a chicken finds itself with a desire that nothing on this side can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that it was created for the other side.
Billy Graham: The chicken was surrendering all.
Pluralist: The chicken took one of many equally valid roads.
Universalist: All chickens cross the road.
Annihilationist: The chicken was hit by a car and ceased to exist.
Fred Phelps: God hates chickens.
Martin Luther: The chicken was leaving Rome.
Tim LaHaye: The chicken didn’t want to be left behind.
Harold Camping: Don’t count your chickens until they’ve hatched.
James White: I reject chicken centered eisegesis.
John Wesley: The chicken’s heart was strangely warmed.
Thomas: I won’t believe the chicken crossed unless I see it with my own eyes.
Philip: The chicken teleported to the other side.
Rob Bell: The chicken. Crossed the road. To get. Cool glasses.
The readers of the original blog post added some additional responses:
Joel Osteen: The chicken crossed the road to maximize his personal fulfillment so they he could be all that God created him to be.
Creflo Dollar: God told the chicken that if he clucked, “That land across the road is mine!,” he could claim it. He crossed the road to take possession.
Roger Olson: The chicken recognizes no clear evangelical boundaries.
Peter: What chicken? What road? Never knew a chicken!! (rooster crows)
Ezekiel: God revived those chicken bones and then they crossed the road.
Paul: The chicken went to sleep and fell out the window only to be able to cross the road
TD Jakes: A manifestation of the Chicken crossed the road for his blessings.
Mark Driscoll: A “bleeping” chicken crossed the road to go get a beer.
Jim Wallis: The poor chicken was fleeing fundamentalists.
Gary Demar: The chicken was fleeing the destruction of Jerusalem in AD 70. That’s it.
Jim Wallis: The chicken is an organizer for Occupy Barnyard.
Emergent: For this chicken, its not the destination that’s important. Its the journey itself.
Christian Pacifist: This is clearly an act of barnyard aggression that is condemned in the Sermon on the Mount.
N.T. Wright: This act of the chicken, which would be unthinkable in British barnyards, reeks of that American individualism that is destructive to community.
Al Mohler: When a chicken begins to think theologically, he has no other alternative but to come over to the Calvinist side.
Bill Gaither: The chicken obviously saw something beautiful, something good, on the other side of the road.
Freud: This whole exercise is obviously driven by chicken envy