The Calvinist Dictionary (Satire)

, posted by Kevin Jackson

A dictionary to help Arminians better understand Calvinist terminology.
(Don’t take this too seriously, this is meant in good fun)

All: The elect

Altar Call: An insult to God

Man centered theology

hoping that you’re elect

The first church father.

The gospel

Call (effectual):
to be irresistibly dragged

Call (general):
God’s justification to condemn the reprobate.

Catholicism: What Arminianism leads to.

We are free to do whatever the Potter decrees us to do.

a mystery

Doctrines of Grace:
Term that helps illustrate how God has given us Calvinists superior insight. Usage example: “I was an Arminian before being illuminated by the Doctrines of Grace.”

Doris Day:
Singer of truth

To Draw:
To drag

Easy believism:
The false idea that you can believe in Jesus Christ and be saved. Can a rotten corpse believe? Nope, neither can you.

: Any Arminian interpretation of a difficult passage (thanks Ben)

Synonymous with “heretic”, unless your name happens to be Mark Driscoll.

Someone God hated for no good reason.

The elect alone.

Any interpretation by James White, after all he’s a Greek scholar.

faith (1):
Something that the elect are zapped with after regeneration.

(2): A work that gives pride to Arminians.

Nothing to see here, move along.

Faux Pas
: Coming to church with a Bible translation other than the ESV.

Finney, Charles:
Wicked man who ravaged the evangelical movement (Really) and who is supposed to be normative of Arminianism according to Westminster Theological Seminary.

To Foreknow:
To decree or to love, absolutely nothing to do with knowing before.

Four Point Calvinist:
An Arminian

Frankenstein: Cool story about a dead monster that got zapped with lightning and then became alive. Great parallel to the way we are regenerated.

Free Will:
Something that can’t exist because it would make God helpless if true. Alternatively, to freely participate in one’s fate.

Praise we give to God for anything wicked that has ever happened (except for the birth of Charles Finney).

God’s secret will:
To save a few and reprobate the rest (secret to Arminians but not to us)

God’s revealed will:
a mystery

Gospel of John:
anything by John Piper

Skip this book and read the Gospel of John instead.

Hyper-Calvinists: Calvinists who care more about consistency than looking good.

See “Four Point Calvinist”.

Infant damnation:
Something that brings God glory.

Book that Luther wanted thrown out of the canon.

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know:
Misleading children’s song.

Jesus Loves the Little Children: Another terrible song, obviously written by someone who didn’t take the time to do a proper exegesis of scripture.

John 3:16: Enigmatic verse. One must be a scholar to properly understand this passage. James White’s unbiased insights are recommended.

Greek word that means “elect”.

The Living Bible:
I hope you’re joking.

A complete waste of time, see “altar call” for more info.

The way God decrees sin but is not responsible for it.

Word for thought translation is heresy.

Author of Romans 9

Name to call Arminians, extra points if they don’t know what it means.

Polemic Atheist:
Another name to call Arminians and a good diversionary tactic when appeals to John Owen don’t work.

Preaching the Gospel:
Something God commands, but the reason why is a mystery.

Something that works-based Arminians have in abundance, but we Calvinists don’t after being chosen by God.

Regeneration: See “Frankenstein”.

Those whom God justly damns to maximize His glory.

Rick Warren:
worthless author, read something by John Gill instead.

The Road to Rome:
Where synergism always leads to.

Don’t say that word!

A heretic who got what he deserved.

Misleading term, because the “ship” wasn’t really floating in the first place.

meticulous micromanagement

God orchestrated the fall for His glory, the central truth of scripture.

Wesley, John:
A false apostle of free will (not kidding)

Whitefield, George:
Wesley’s superior

The elect

The elect

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