The Calvinist Dictionary (Satire)

, posted by Kevin Jackson

A dictionary to help Arminians better understand Calvinist terminology.
(Don’t take this too seriously, this is meant in good fun)

All: The elect

Altar Call: An insult to God

Arminianism:
Man centered theology

Assurance:
hoping that you’re elect

Augustine:
The first church father.

Calvinism:
The gospel

Call (effectual):
to be irresistibly dragged

Call (general):
God’s justification to condemn the reprobate.

Catholicism: What Arminianism leads to.

Compatiblism:
We are free to do whatever the Potter decrees us to do.

Contradiction:
a mystery

Doctrines of Grace:
Term that helps illustrate how God has given us Calvinists superior insight. Usage example: “I was an Arminian before being illuminated by the Doctrines of Grace.”

Doris Day:
Singer of truth

To Draw:
To drag

Easy believism:
The false idea that you can believe in Jesus Christ and be saved. Can a rotten corpse believe? Nope, neither can you.

Eisegesis
: Any Arminian interpretation of a difficult passage (thanks Ben)

Emergent:
Synonymous with “heretic”, unless your name happens to be Mark Driscoll.

Esau:
Someone God hated for no good reason.

Everyone:
The elect alone.

Exegesis:
Any interpretation by James White, after all he’s a Greek scholar.

faith (1):
Something that the elect are zapped with after regeneration.

faith
(2): A work that gives pride to Arminians.

Fatalism:
Nothing to see here, move along.

Faux Pas
: Coming to church with a Bible translation other than the ESV.

Finney, Charles:
Wicked man who ravaged the evangelical movement (Really) and who is supposed to be normative of Arminianism according to Westminster Theological Seminary.

To Foreknow:
To decree or to love, absolutely nothing to do with knowing before.

Four Point Calvinist:
An Arminian

Frankenstein: Cool story about a dead monster that got zapped with lightning and then became alive. Great parallel to the way we are regenerated.

Free Will:
Something that can’t exist because it would make God helpless if true. Alternatively, to freely participate in one’s fate.

Glory:
Praise we give to God for anything wicked that has ever happened (except for the birth of Charles Finney).

God’s secret will:
To save a few and reprobate the rest (secret to Arminians but not to us)

God’s revealed will:
a mystery

Gospel of John:
anything by John Piper

Hebrews:
Skip this book and read the Gospel of John instead.

Hyper-Calvinists: Calvinists who care more about consistency than looking good.

Infralapsarianism:
See “Four Point Calvinist”.

Infant damnation:
Something that brings God glory.

James:
Book that Luther wanted thrown out of the canon.

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know:
Misleading children’s song.

Jesus Loves the Little Children: Another terrible song, obviously written by someone who didn’t take the time to do a proper exegesis of scripture.

John 3:16: Enigmatic verse. One must be a scholar to properly understand this passage. James White’s unbiased insights are recommended.

Kosmos:
Greek word that means “elect”.

The Living Bible:
I hope you’re joking.

Missions:
A complete waste of time, see “altar call” for more info.

Mystery:
The way God decrees sin but is not responsible for it.

NIV:
Word for thought translation is heresy.

Paul:
Author of Romans 9

Pelagian:
Name to call Arminians, extra points if they don’t know what it means.

Polemic Atheist:
Another name to call Arminians and a good diversionary tactic when appeals to John Owen don’t work.

Preaching the Gospel:
Something God commands, but the reason why is a mystery.

Pride:
Something that works-based Arminians have in abundance, but we Calvinists don’t after being chosen by God.

Regeneration: See “Frankenstein”.

Reprobate:
Those whom God justly damns to maximize His glory.

Rick Warren:
worthless author, read something by John Gill instead.

The Road to Rome:
Where synergism always leads to.

Robot:
Don’t say that word!

Servetus:
A heretic who got what he deserved.

Shipwreck:
Misleading term, because the “ship” wasn’t really floating in the first place.

Sovereignty:
meticulous micromanagement

Supralapsarianism:
God orchestrated the fall for His glory, the central truth of scripture.

Wesley, John:
A false apostle of free will (not kidding)

Whitefield, George:
Wesley’s superior

Whosoever:
The elect

World:
The elect

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