The Calvinist – A Harmless Parody

, posted by Martin Glynn

This was originally posted at 

If you have not seen the original video then watch it first:

This is a parody and is done in brotherly love not out of spite (although it requires a sense of humour) and it’s not a proper theological critique (although there are a couple of my genuine concerns regarding Calvinism present).

Please try to read it slowly and in your most profound voice (as in the spirit of the video):


The Calvinist

See him on his knees,
Hear his constant pleas,
Though he knows not why:
All’s decreed by God on High!

See him in the Word,
Exegetically unperturbed,
Ephesians 1 doth state,
‘Predestined’: how is this not fate?

See him with his books:
Scouring Calvinist nooks,
Hoping they explain,
Why God appears to need our pain.

See him with his pen:
Underlining Turretin,
Annotating the Synod of Dort,
Thinking much scholastic thought.

See him in the square,
His theology laid bare.
“God loves you all without respect!”
“Unless you are the non-elect.”

See him on the street,
Everyone doth he greet,
‘Restless and reformed’,
The sinners duly scorned.

See him in disputes,
Quoting Calvin’s Institutes,
The elect alone can hear,
But God is no puppeteer.

See him at his trade,
Mistakes cannot be made,
For all has been decreed,
From timeless eternity.

See him at his meal,
Never shall he squeal,
Content with God’s good grace,
Despite his uncooked plaice.

See him with his child,
Wondering all the while,
“Do I love her more…
Than the Father has in store?”

See him with his wife,
Rarely is there strife,
Despite the fact he likes her,
She won’t read any Piper!

See him stray. He groans.
‘Unconditional election’ he owns.
What is left to me?

See him in lament,
Is this inconsistent?
Yes and then proclaim,
The mystery card again.

See him worshiping,
Loudly does he sing,
That God is made great,
In making the reprobate.

See him on the shore,
No-one thinks him a bore.
Rather than a swim,
He cites a flowery acronym.

See him now asleep,
Blessed assurance keep,
Unless he is deceived,
Thinking for a time he did believe.

See him nearing death,
He whispers under bated breath:
“I really wish I’d checked…
Was I one of God’s… elect?”

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