New Calvinist Bible – Unconditional Election (satire)

, posted by kingswoodhart

The following post is a satire, written from the perspective of an overzealous Calvinist.

This post is part of a series on the New Calvinist Bible (NCB) – a new Bible translation designed to show Calvinism in all its glory. Click here to start at the beginning of the series.

The first of the three central doctrines of Calvinism (the U of TULIP) is Unconditional election. Unconditional election is the doctrine which states that God chose those whom he was pleased to bring to a knowledge of himself, not based upon any merit shown by the object of his grace and not based upon foreseen faith (especially a mere decisional faith). God has elected, based solely upon the counsel of his own will, some for glory and others for damnation. He has done this act before the foundations of the world.” With the New Calvinist Bible, you will be able to see this doctrine shine through the text more clearly than ever, as these sample verses show:

Ephesians 1:1-5 Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, To the saints who are in Ephesus, and are faithful in Christ Jesus: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as except for the blessing that he chose specific people individually to be put into Christ (rather than choosing us in him) before the foundation of the world, that we those individuals should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us specific individuals for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will

Luke 9:35 And a voice came out of the cloud, saying, “This is my Son, my Chosen One (whose chosenness is in no way associated with the chosenness of all the other individually chosen ones I have already chosen); listen to him!”

John 1:32-34 (NET) Then John testified, “I saw the Spirit descending like a dove from heaven, and it remained on him. And I did not recognize him, but the one who sent me to baptize with water said to me, ‘The one on whom you see the Spirit descending and remaining – this is the one who baptizes with the Holy Spirit.’ I have both seen and testified that this man is the Chosen One of God (whose chosenness is in no way associated with the chosenness of all the other individually chosen ones I have already chosen).

Isaiah 42:1 Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, whose chosenness is in no way associated with the chosenness of all the other individually chosen ones I have already chosen, in whom my soul delights.

Romans 11:7-11, 23-24 What then? Israel failed to obtain what it was seeking. The elect (i.e. the individuals who have always been elect from eternity) obtained it, but the rest (i.e. the individuals who have always been non-elect from eternity) were hardened, as it is written, “God gave them (i.e. the non-elect from eternity) a spirit of stupor, eyes that would not see and ears that would not hear, down to this very day.” And David says, “Let their (i.e. the non-elect from eternity) table become a snare and a trap, a stumbling block and a retribution for them; let their eyes be darkened so that they cannot see, and bend their backs forever.” So I ask, did they (i.e. the non-elect from eternity) stumble in order that they might fall? By no means! Rather through their trespass salvation has come to the Gentiles, so as to make Israel jealous. Of course! They are non-elect from eternity and have been hardened, and no one can ever change from being non-elect to being elect. … And even they (i.e. the non-elect from eternity), if they do not will continue in their unbelief as they are non-elect from eternity and there is no way that someone who is non-elect can become elect, they will not be grafted in, for God has the power is not going to graft them in again. For if you were cut from what is by nature a wild olive tree, and grafted, contrary to nature, into a cultivated olive tree, how much more will these, the natural branches, not be grafted back into their own olive tree, because they are non-elect from eternity and there is no way that someone who is non-elect can become elect.

Psalm 106:4-5 (NKJV) Remember me, O Lord, with the favor You have toward Your people. Oh, visit me with Your salvation, that I may see the benefit of Your chosen ones, that I may rejoice in the gladness of Your nation, that I may glory with Your inheritance. I hope I have always been one of God’s elect people, as it is impossible for anyone outside of God’s elect people to join God’s elect people.

1 Corinthians 1:26-29 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise unconditionally; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong unconditionally; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are unconditionally, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.

This was originally posted at The Predestination Station, where comments can be made.

Unless otherwise indicated, all pre-Calvinization scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. This content was produced without any involvement or endorsement of these entities.