New Calvinist Bible – Irresistible Grace (satire)

, posted by kingswoodhart

The following post is a satire, written from the perspective of an overzealous Calvinist.

This post is part of a series on the New Calvinist Bible (NCB) – a new Bible translation designed to show Calvinism in all its glory. Click here to start at the beginning of the series.

The last of the three central doctrines of Calvinism (the I of TULIP) is Irresistible grace.

“The result of God’s irresistible grace is the certain response by the elect to the inward call of the Holy Spirit, when the outward call is given by the evangelist or minister of the Word of God. Christ, himself, teaches that all whom God has elected will come to a knowledge of him. Men come to Christ in salvation when the Father calls them, and the very Spirit of God leads God’s beloved to repentance.”

No longer will people miss this when reading the Bible, once all have moved to the NCB. Look how clearly this doctrine shines through in these sample verses:

John 12:32 And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will irresistibly draw all people only the elect to myself.”

Luke 11:9-10 And I tell you, be irresistibly caused to ask, and it will be given to you; be irresistibly caused to seek, and you will find; be irresistibly caused to knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who is irresistibly caused to asks receives, and the one who is irresistibly caused to seeks finds, and to the one who is irresistibly caused to knocks it will be opened.

Acts 16:14 (NET) A woman named Lydia, a dealer in purple cloth from the city of Thyatira, a God-fearing woman, listened to us. The Lord opened her heart to respond to what Paul was saying and irresistibly caused her to believe it.

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through prior election, resulting in irresistibly caused faith. And this irresistibly caused faith is not your own doing; it irresistibly caused faith is the gift of God, irresistibly caused faith and only irresistibly caused faith is not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

Acts 2:21 And it shall come to pass that every elect one who is irresistibly caused to calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.’

Acts 17:26-27 And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should only elect individuals will seek God, and perhaps definitely feel their way toward him and find him.

Romans 1:16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who has been elected and therefore is irresistibly caused to believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.

Romans 4:3-5 For what does the Scripture say? “God irresistibly caused Abraham to believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness.” Now to the one who works, his wages are not counted as a gift but as his due. And to the one who does not work but is irresistibly caused to believes in him who justifies the ungodly, his irresistibly caused faith is counted as righteousness

Romans 4:23-24 But the words “it was counted to him” were not written for his sake alone, but for ours also. It will be counted to us those individuals who God chose to irresistibly cause to believe in him who raised from the dead Jesus our Lord,

Acts 10:34-35 So Peter opened his mouth and said: “Truly I understand that God shows no partiality, but as even though in every nation anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him, God irresistibly causes specific arbitrarily chosen individuals to do this and all others are not given any opportunity to be able to do this.

Revelation 22:17 The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” And let the one who hears only the elect be irresistibly caused to say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty only the elect be irresistibly caused to come; let the one who desires only the elect be irresistibly caused to take the water of life without price.

1 Corinthians 1:20-21 Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who he irresistibly causes to believe.

Revelation 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock break it down if it is the door of an elect person, but will not touch it if it is the door of a non-elect person. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he will be irresistibly caused to eat with me.

Isaiah 5:1-4 Let me sing for my beloved my love song concerning his vineyard: My beloved had a vineyard on a very fertile hill. He dug it and cleared it of stones, and planted it with choice vines; he built a watchtower in the midst of it, and hewed out a wine vat in it; and he looked for it to yield grapes, but it yielded wild grapes. And now, O Inhabitants of Jerusalem and men of Judah, judge between me and my vineyard. What more was there to do for my vineyard, that I have not done in it (apart from, of course, me giving them irresistible grace)? When I looked for it to yield grapes, why did it yielded wild grapes? because I had not given them irresistible grace.

Matthew 22:1-14 And again Jesus spoke to them in parables, saying, “The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who gave a wedding feast for his son, and sent his servants to call those who were invited to the wedding feast, but they would not come because the servants had been instructed only to give them a general call and not an effectual call. Again he sent other servants, saying, ‘Tell those who are invited, “See, I have prepared my dinner, my oxen and my fat calves have been slaughtered, and everything is ready. Come to the wedding feast.”’ But they paid no attention, because they were given the wrong kind of call, and went off, one to his farm, another to his business, while the rest seized his servants, treated them shamefully, and killed them. The king was angry that the people he had chosen only to receive a general call did not respond in the way they could only have responded if they had received an effectual call, and he sent his troops and destroyed those murderers and burned their city. Then he said to his servants, ‘The wedding feast is ready, but those invited were not worthy given the right kind of call. Go therefore to the main roads and invite to the wedding feast as many as you find, and this time give an effectual call, not just a general call.’ And those servants went out into the roads and gathered all whom they found, both bad and good. So the wedding hall was filled with guests. But when the king came in to look at the guests, he saw there a man who had no wedding garment not been effectually called. And he said to him, ‘Friend, how did you get in here without a wedding garment being effectually called?’ And he was speechless. Then the king said to the attendants, ‘Bind him hand and foot and cast him into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’ For many are generally called, but few are chosen effectually called.”

Deuteronomy 30:11-20 For this commandment that I command you today is not too hard for you, neither is it far off (provided that I also give you irresistible grace, otherwise it is too hard for you and it is too far off). It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will ascend to heaven for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will go over the sea for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it (provided that I also give you irresistible grace, otherwise you can’t do it). “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil. If you are irresistibly caused to obey the commandments of the LORD your God that I command you today, by loving the LORD your God, by walking in his ways, and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his rules, then you shall live and multiply, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land that you are entering to take possession of it. But if you are not irresistibly caused to do these things and your heart turns away, and you will not hear, but are drawn away to worship other gods and serve them, I declare to you today, that you shall surely perish. You shall not live long in the land that you are going over the Jordan to enter and possess. I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life (provided that I also give you irresistible grace, in which case you definitely will choose life, otherwise you won’t be able to choose life), that you and your offspring may live, loving the LORD your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him, for he is your life and length of days, that you may dwell in the land that the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.

This was originally posted at The Predestination Station, where comments can be made.

Unless otherwise indicated, all pre-Calvinization scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. This content was produced without any involvement or endorsement of these entities.